Im Hungry for life

As Angelina Jolie once said, “I’m hungry for life.” I want to experience everything there is for me to possibly experience... but that want conflicts with my other want to be cautious, to stay safe. To stay out of harms way.

I have a visceral reaction to the thought of getting in trouble. I never want to be seen in a bad light. I never want to cause disappointment. I’m naturally inclined to stay small and stay out of the way, and I’m not really sure why that is...

Maybe it is a habit that was formed long ago when I was a baby. "If I stay good, and make trouble for no one, I’ll be loved. I’m only loved when I don't cause issues-- nothing negative for anybody. I’m only loved as a positive experience and nothing more." I’m unclear as to what events might have lead up to this wiring within my mind. Nonetheless, it’s there. I also feel that maybe the human tendency to give and receive compliments reinforced this notion that I’m really only like when I’m a positive experience.

Maybe this is why I feel like I’m unlovable, because I know I will never be a perpetually positive experience. I also seem to project this outward, how? The way I seem to abruptly cut off people... maybe. Though, in most cases, i feel i was in the right… yes I know everyone feels like they’re in the right, especially during conflict, but enough about that. that is an entry for another time…

Despite my primal need to stay out of harms way, I yearn for something bigger, for astounding experiences that leave me stunned for weeks, or months, or years. Pleasure beyond words, thrill beyond expectations, experiences that open doors that I didn’t even know existed…

I hate being trapped in my fear box. Playing it safe gets me nowhere but to the doorstep of disappointment. Again, and again, and again.

So, as a small exercise, I’ve gotta take the risk. I think you should too, let me know where it gets you🌺

Here's a little gift 🪷