What do the right choices look like?

Wednesday was really weird. My mood took me on a rollercoaster. I was okay, then I was happy, and then all of a sudden sadness started to sprinkle down on me, and it continued, and continued, and I got a little concerned at the theories my mind decided to come up with to justify the sadness. Then I cried, and I cried. And then I was happy again, smiling and cracking jokes and fully feeling it all through my body. There was no sadness left.

And then there was…

It all left me very confused. It angered me, my emotional indecisiveness...

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I’m being dropped off. im being dropped off and I have to find my way from here. I know that’s not how my parents see this at all— and if anything I should have felt like this last year. But I didnt then, and I do now. Maybe it’s just the way I feel now because college is starting to look like college. I have to be serious because I've finished all the "trials"s. I'm in the real thing now.

I'm being dropped of and I don't feel ready to continue the journey on my own. But that readiness only comes from throwing myself into the next phase. There’s so many opportunities for me to mess up, but there’s a miriad more opportunities to succeed, and maybe that scares me more.

I have a problem. One that makes it difficult for me to commit… a fantasy of freedom. Its suicide. When everything gets overwhelming and I’m not certain about the very path of my life, my mind escapes to suicide. A fantasy where it all ends, the noise, the worry, the panic. It all ends and it becomes something else. It becomes nothing.

my life ends and I've made nothing of it. Just started and ended, and started and ended so many things. I'd Just end as a life of full of dead ends and unraveled thread. And I wouldn't become who I wanted to become, and I wouldn't go where I wanted to go. I dont want to be that, I dont want that to be what my life amounts to. I can't let it.

And this is all because of my fear of failure the very fear that I want to abandon and the very failure I strive to embrace. I want to be able to shrug it off and try again. I want to be Icarus. I have to be Icarus. And I will be Icarus.

I didnt take this where I wanted it to go. But im happy I was able to give myself a pep talk!